But It’s Me Who’s Been Making the Bed

As you grow up, you start to hear about the importance of independence. Independence can be a tricky concept to navigate. A healthy amount of independence involves feeling comfortable on your own and being able to support yourself. What people often omit from this advice is that you can go too far in that direction and end up dealing with hyper-independence. But being independent doesn’t mean that you completely cut off any outside support; everyone needs help and companionship from time to time. 

Hyper-independence occurs when you become so self-reliant that you refuse to ask for help and rely on others because you feel that you are better off on your own. People who are hyper-independent often struggle to maintain meaningful relationships. This is something that I personally experienced when I was younger. Although I can’t speak for everyone, I want to share my experience and how I overcame my fear of being open.

Looking back, the groundwork for my attitude towards being hyper-independent likely goes back to my childhood. I am the youngest of four children, and my siblings are all several years older than me. In my earliest memories, I was at home with my mom while my siblings were at school. My mom was usually busy with housework, and encouraged me to find activities that kept me entertained until she had free time. I didn’t find that situation comfortable at first, by any means. I frequently sobbed at the idea of my siblings being elsewhere without me. As time passed, I became accustomed to playing alone, and I even came to enjoy it. 

When I started kindergarten, I was able to make friends easily, but when recess came around, my classmates and teacher noticed something unusual. No matter how much I loved spending time with my friends in class, I would go find a bench and quietly play by myself. I rarely felt the desire to join my friends while they played games. When they would ask me if I was lonely, I couldn’t understand why since I had already gotten used to being content on my own. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because I still loved spending time with my friends. Later down the line, though, I realized I was using this experience as the framework for isolating myself. I began to notice this when I would see how my peers interacted with each other. They would rely on their friends when they needed help, but I always kept my struggles hidden. When my friends would offer their support, I would brush it off. I realized that I was isolating myself from others the same way I did in kindergarten.  

Recognizing the Problem

As the years passed, the more social I became while attending school. I spent most of my time with my friends and looked forward to seeing them every day. But this eventually ended when we started going to different schools.

When I was a junior in high school, I transferred to a new school because I found the environment of my past school made me feel miserable. I loved my friends, but I decided to put my well-being first. In many ways, this change was positive because I was able to rekindle old friendships and make new connections, but I also developed some negative habits. 

To start, I knew that I might struggle to make new friends at a new school, so I told myself I had to be content with being alone if no one befriended me. I thought back to my very first day of school ever and remembered that I was perfectly capable of being independent. However, while the kindergarten version of myself wasn’t purposely closing herself off, my 16-year-old self was certainly trying. 

At the same time, I was having a hard time maintaining friendships with my classmates from my old school. Since we were no longer seeing each other every day, naturally we were growing apart. This took quite a toll on my self-esteem; I often wondered why it seemed so easy for people to accept my absence. One thing I wasn’t able to let go of at my new school was the idea that I would only ever be able to get so close to my new friends. I had shown up halfway through four years of high school, and no matter how kind my friends were, my mind couldn’t accept the possibility of them valuing the friendship of someone they had only known for a short period of time. This was a result of my poor mental health during this time in my life. I had a poor sense of self-worth, and that led me to emotionally isolate myself from everyone.  

Despite having plenty of friends at school, when lunch came around, I either went to the library to do homework, or walk around by myself. I truly didn’t mind it the majority of the time because I’ve never been the type of person to find solitude embarrassing. But, the issue arose when it came to avoiding my friends. Sometimes a friend would invite me to have lunch with them, and I always replied yes. However, I never consistently sat with them, and I certainly never initiated the meeting. I remember worrying that if they spent too much time with me, they might not like me as much anymore. So, I kept people at arm’s length in an effort to protect myself as a coping mechanism for avoiding having my feelings hurt.

Taking Initiative

After high school graduation, I began to realize a few things about myself. I looked around at the friendships I had lost, and the ones I had managed to maintain, and I saw the effects of my hyper-independence. I was no one’s best friend anymore, and I rarely got invitations. Of course, certain friendships would’ve fizzled out anyway, but I finally saw that my fears of being seen as the unimportant friend led me to close myself off and prevent the meaningful connections I craved deep down. I was the cause of my loneliness. I had been making the bed I was now lying in. I knew that I had to work on my mindset and learn how to be an active participant in my friendships. 

The first thing I had to accept was that being vulnerable and sharing my feelings with others was a strength and nothing to be ashamed of. I was always afraid to be emotional around people because my family was the type to bury things down and hide them. Maybe you guessed it from my story so far, but I struggled with having an avoidant attachment style. It sounds dramatic, but even just the idea of sharing my true feelings and problems with someone used to make me feel sick. It was an uncomfortable way of navigating through life, and I decided to take small steps towards being open. I began reaching out to others first, I accepted invitations to social events that I typically would’ve avoided, and I learned to share my feelings without feeling ashamed. 

I was so lucky to have a good friend from high school who recognized this in me and was still willing to be my friend despite my issues. She was my exact opposite; she was never afraid to share her issues, and she was always quick to call things as they were. When we were 17, she told me that I was the only person holding myself back, and that if I just worked on myself more, I would be unstoppable. In the moment, that felt so uncharacteristically profound to hear from someone so young. Looking back, it shows how mature she has always been. She was so unafraid of showing emotion that I found it easiest to open up to her. The more we spoke and supported each other, the more I realized that having a healthy amount of dependence in my life makes it so much better. 

I used to be afraid of depending on others in the smallest ways. I felt that I would only be a burden. This is never the case in true friendships. Sometimes we unintentionally make ourselves miserable in an attempt to protect ourselves, and in times like this, it’s important to ask for help. The biggest mistake anyone can make is believing that no one cares about them. 

The key to independence and dependence is finding a balance. You should be your own person while still being capable of providing mutual support between yourself and others. It can be easy to fall into a negative mindset, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and opening up to others will show you that. There is so much value in the relationships you choose to have, and everyone brings a unique contribution to each other's lives. When the opportunity arises, spend time with those you hold dear, put yourself out there, and build new relationships; you never know what good may come of it! 

Today, I am grateful to have many healthy relationships with my friends and family. It took a long time and lots of hard work, but I reached a point where I’m able to rely on others when I can’t handle something on my own. Even if the journey is rough, I encourage everyone to work on establishing a balance between independence and dependence in their lives.

About the Author

Amelia Martinez is a Journalism and Media Studies major in the Public Relations/Advertising track at the College of Southern Nevada and currently a Blog/Newsletter intern at the Love Yourself Foundation. She hopes to one day apply her education in a professional career within a creative space. She has always been fond of the arts and spends much of her free time watching films, reading books and comics/manga, and listening to music.