The Spark in Your Relationship—With Yourself

When you’re feeling stuck in a routine or uninspired, it can become difficult to practice self-love. If each day blends together and feels the same, it’s easy to lose motivation. Why keep getting up early in the morning to see the sunrise if you’re bored afterward? Why keep using gentle words if it’s only a habit? How do you keep finding meaning in the practices you build when the spark is gone?

Your brain releases a small flood of dopamine naturally as a reaction to stimuli. You experience dopamine as excitement—good and bad. It can feel like anger, irritation, joy, surprise, or interest. That reaction serves as a reward for engaging in virtually anything. Things that trigger your dopamine response hold your attention because you receive dopamine for paying attention to them.

That dopamine response is motivation. It is the spark.

You’re probably already familiar with the fact that technology has changed the way we respond to dopamine. There are many articles about cell phone addiction ruining our attention spans. Social media and advertising function to retain your attention, and they trigger your dopamine release as much as possible. Therefore, the natural release you get from doing something good for you is less, relatively. It’s hard to maintain motivation because it’s hard to keep your attention on self-care and healthy habits. There is so much else in the world to distract you, and consistency grows mundane quickly.

Do you want to get the spark back and find meaning? An opposite of mundane is novelty. You can use novelty the same way technology does. New experiences consistently trigger your dopamine response and hold your attention.

These are some accessible exercises and practices to support your mental health that are likely to break the pattern of each day blurring into the next. They are designed to create safe, unusual experiences that will hold your attention and inspire you when you’re feeling stuck.

Ignite Laughter

Laughter is the best medicine, as the adage goes. Morale, happiness, and connection are as much a cause as an effect. We often aim to become happy by doing things that have made us happy in the past, but what happens when you’ve already been there, done that? What if you’re not getting the same value out of what you love anymore?

It is advice people often hate to hear, but it is proven that simply forming a smile with your face, on purpose, is likely to get you halfway there. Maybe instead of aiming to become happy by means of some third party, the action of being happy is the cure. Smile! Laugh! Do it on purpose and shake it out of your shoulders, because you love yourself—or you want to—and you want to feel better.

Of course, it’s easier said than done. You can force a smile, yes, but it feels awkward to just laugh out of nowhere and at nothing. Look for things to laugh about as often as you can, but while you’re getting started, use these exercises to break out of your comfort zone in humorous ways!

• Draw something ugly on purpose. Look at the shape of your dog, a face, or a character you like, and draw them in dramatic scribbly lines until the end product looks like an eldritch horror. Exaggerate the lines you would normally struggle to soften and perfect. 

• Eat something that makes your lips curl. Whether it’s an energy drink with such strong artificial flavors you make involuntary muscle movements, or a bite out of a lime, peel and all, taste something that makes you cringe. If you live near them, bite and spit out crab apples on the ground.

• Talk to yourself in voices. Say serious things like you’ve inhaled helium, or tongue twisters in the angriest voice you can. Act out a modern Shakespearean drama with your pet or a plant, confessing your love and your betrayal. Play bickering characters while you narrate your day.

Ignite Adventure

The world is your oyster. It’s easy to feel trapped in your bed, your home, or your routine, especially if you’re lonely. Humans are animals, too, and your house is an enclosure in which you need enrichment. Just like a dog needs to go on walks to experience new smells and stay exercised and entertained, you live in a world that is bigger than your crate. You deserve to be part of it.

If going to the places you used to love isn’t feeling the same anymore, it’s time to go somewhere else. There’s no reason to walk the same path every time you go outside, and no reason not to try new cafes if getting your routine little treat doesn’t feel like a reward anymore. It’s good for your brain to have new experiences just to have them, even if the next cafe you try ultimately has worse coffee.

These are some directions to take next time you’re looking to go somewhere. They should help you reignite your adventurous spirit and allow you to explore, even in a big city. They are no-cost options, but there’s nothing to stop you from getting a treat on the way—or bringing a water bottle and snacks from home! If the adventure invites you on a different path while you’re out, go forth! Make sure to do it safely, but have fun finding new places and making new experiences.

• Go on an adventure to somewhere empty on a day with clear weather. Explore tunnels, train tracks, or drainage washes. Follow a random bike path. If you happen upon a place with interesting acoustics that is sufficiently empty for your comfort, sing a song at your highest volume.

• Find the highest walkable ground from your home. Whether it’s at the top of a small hill, on a short wall, or atop playground equipment, sit there for a moment on a windy day, and feel the air around you moving. If there’s space for it, spin around and dance with your arms out in the breeze.

• Pick a random intersection to explore on foot. Step into each store that sounds interesting and window shop. Read every menu—no pressure to order, you can just let the employees know you’re looking ahead to see if you’re interested in returning on another day.

Ignite Presence

The best thing you can be is yourself—but who are you? When you’re busy following routines and building habits, taking care of yourself can become a priority over loving yourself. Last time you checked in, maybe you knew what you wanted or what made you happy, but how long has it been since you were really able to check in with yourself and feel what’s working?

Getting work done and using coping mechanisms can turn into a chore that happens on autopilot. Grounding yourself in the present moment and really feeling your experiences takes time and effort. It won’t fit neatly or efficiently into your busy schedule.

Firstly, give yourself permission to spend time doing it. Efficiency requires balance, and rushing yourself won’t actually lead to a productive outcome. Then, try these exercises to reconnect with yourself. Feel what it’s like to be in your body, investigate your emotions and your values, and get to know yourself again.

• Listen to a song through headphones with stereo imaging. Feel the sound bounce between each ear and vibrate. There are lots of recommendations online, but one in particular that aligns with the Love Yourself Foundation mission is Candle by Cavetown.

• Take a new personality test. Whether it’s a silly game on uQuiz or a pop psychology test, think and feel about yourself while you analyze the questions and have fun picking apart the results. Whether you relate to them or not, get in touch with your feelings about it.

• Sit with your reflection for a while. Keep eye contact with yourself and tilt your head, watching how your eye moves relative to your face. Examine the way that your body moves when you lift your arms, wiggle your fingers, poke your face, and smile.

Ignite Learning

Meaning is not found, it’s made. To make meaningful connections between ideas or people, you need a bank of information to draw on and connect from. That is, learning is a self-care practice. If you aren’t exercising new ways of thinking, it is very easy to get stuck in rigid thought patterns. By making a point to prioritize learning, you develop open-mindedness, creativity, the ability to see multiple perspectives, and the ability to make new, meaningful connections between ideas.

There are lots of structured ways to learn from books or school. Puzzles can exercise all different manners of thinking, from spatial reasoning to wordplay riddles. A daily Sudoku or online class can be beneficial, but not necessarily novel.

If you’re feeling like your interactions aren’t meaningful, a good place to start is by broadening the scope of information you can relate to. Try these exercises when traditional learning grows dull, and then look for interesting ways they relate or differ from your experiences. Looking for those connections is how you make meaning.

• Do a deep dive on a secondary character in a game or show you like. Learn their lore and relationship to the overarching story, or the different factions at play in the background of the plot. Study up on your fandom’s wiki for the canon story, and read headcanons or theories on social forums.

• Pick a dish you’re unfamiliar with and research and compare a handful of recipes to identify and learn the core traits or ingredients, compared to optional tweaks that every chef makes. Look into the dish’s cultural history and learn how it developed geographically.

• Watch a documentary to learn about something you haven’t looked deeply into before. There are plenty about failed music festivals, the evolution of different animals, cults, or technology. Many historical documentaries are comedies!

In relationships, time and routine run their course. People outgrow each other. When the spark fades or you’re unfulfilled with another person, sometimes the answer is an ending. In your relationship with yourself, though, you can’t part ways.

Self-love doesn’t happen to you. You’re an active partner in your self-relationship. You are singularly responsible for your safety and fulfillment, and you can’t break up when you lose interest. By cultivating laughter, adventure, emotional presence, and learning, you create a welcoming, safe space for yourself in your own life. That kind of security is the foundation of good relationships. 

It’s important to keep surprising yourself, too. Use new experiences to breed passion and motivation, feel the good and the bad, and reignite the spark in your quest to love yourself.

About the Author

I’m an LYF administrator and wellness coordinator who works closely with the writing teams. I have a background in journalism, technical writing, poetry and creative prose.

Introspection and careful behavioral analysis have been my most refined skill. I take a deep care in observing and understanding the people around me. It’s an interest that is only fair or possible to do if you're 100% accepting of what you're going to find in people. To discover the things they can't admit because they dislike it in themselves is cruel and unkind unless you take on a particular perspective that at worst their worst traits are neutral.

I define myself by that perspective of radical acceptance, and I hope that you as readers can feel warmth in my work.