A Desire to Live Harmoniously and Leisurely

“Happiness occurs when you forget who you’re expected to be. And what you’re supposed to do. Happiness is an accident of self-acceptance. It’s the warm breeze you feel when you open the door to who you are.”

- Matt Haig (The Comfort Book)

Packing My Bags

I noticed that ambition is frequently used for career goals and success, but I seldom hear the word applied for other things, such as health or everlasting happiness. The most common form of ambition I see is people trying to fit in with civilization, so they can be accepted by their peers. 

In the past, I believed in societal conventions where one would have to consider college (for a steady career), move out of their parents’ house, find a place to live, seek employment, meet a partner, get married, and have children, but not in that particular order. Almost right away, I knew that I wasn’t going to do all of those things, but I selected the choices that are pragmatic to me (such as finding a job) and started there. When a lot of people found out about my plans for my future, they supported it, because in their minds, that plan fell under what people should be doing. I was relieved because I found that to be the right thing, too. I was on their side (and they were on mine), so what could go wrong?

Hearing about those life expectations happened during my high school years. While there, I was taught to live my life exactly like my classmates by doing the following: take the same amount of classes per semester, graduate on time, start and finish college, and begin our chosen careers. But while in college, I learned that this is not the case. When one attends college, each academic journey is customized for each student. They don’t need to follow the path that their peers are taking when they need to pursue their own. Even though I understood this important lesson that college taught me, I stubbornly refused to accept that truth (until recently) and tried keeping up with my peers, but soon, I came to not enjoy the pressures of adhering to these expectations. This isn’t me, yet I don’t want to fall behind in life. I had to get out, but it wasn’t easy. 

After college, I grew overwhelmed with all of these conformities (especially work) that I needed to take a breather, badly. I started having health issues and tried treating them while working, but my health was not improving. I never dealt with this complication before, and it was scaring me. It became clear that I needed to pick my health or my job, not both. My health is vital to me, and although I knew that taking a break to take care of myself would put me behind in life, it didn’t matter anymore. Something was wrong with me, and I needed to take care of this. After undergoing some examinations and speaking with the doctor, everything came out normal. I was very lucky.

This wake-up call gave me the opportunity to analyze myself internally. It made me look at my past, how I tried to become like everybody else (and briefly succeeded), and how I later left that mindset for a peaceful future. Now, my health teaches me a lot about making the right choices for my life, and it has inspired me to live harmoniously and leisurely. This desire is now the biggest ambition for me, even if this doesn’t fully align with society’s expectations. 

Boarding the Ship

In order for me to live a serene and unhurried lifestyle without any disruptions, it’s imperative that I focus on my mental health first and do things that could benefit me. I spoke with close loved ones and a therapist once in a while. I journaled, meditated, exercised, practiced self-affirmations, and sought solace in nature. I listened to the sound of pouring rain as it calmed my nerves. I became an avid reader. I traveled to places I really wanted to see for the first time (or again for nostalgic purposes). All of these activities gave me deep peace, and I continue to utilize these self-care practices.  

That being said, I no longer tolerate things that put too much stress on my body. No more digesting negative content (like too much hard news). No more disrespectful people (regardless of my relationship with them or how long I’ve known them). No more comparing myself to others AND competing against them. No more toxic environments. No more forcing/rushing myself to make a decision or to get a task done. No more postponing my desires for later. Enough is enough. 

I used to be able to indulge in these negative habits, but the health scare pulled me away from that. I’m glad, because if living my life in peace and happiness is better than what a lot of people are doing (which is focusing on the negative and/or taking things for granted), then I want the good things in life to spoil me. If I continue to center my attention on that, then I will have a better future. 

Setting Sail

Once I made the decision to take a different route in my life, I found the experience overwhelming. There were so many options out there for me to take, but I had a hard time choosing the right path. To add more complications, I still worried about what people would think of my decision. Would they agree or disagree? Part of me knows that some would be very disappointed and no longer support me (which hurts), but conversely, I know there are other people who would support me unconditionally (which is relieving). There is always going to be division as to what people think I should do, but this is my life. I am done with people-pleasing. I am not the key to their happiness. My happiness and authenticity are more important than the approval and opinions of others. I have to be strong, do what is right for me, and rely on MY own judgment. 

As a result, I started to acknowledge my self-respect. Not only did this stimulate my appreciation of my worth and potential, but it also reminded me that I only have myself 24/7. I learned that there’s really no such thing as being “behind” in life, and that eased some of my burdens. That truth rejuvenated me while my confidence increased. Plus, this ignited me to do anything I want and still be happy at my own pace. Living life slowly is a lot better than living life fast, because I can stop, look, and absorb what's going on around me. 

Arriving at My Destination

Now that there’s calm over chaos, I am at peace. It’s such a good feeling, because it gives me the happiness that I longed for. It did take me a while to get used to this because I had no one to relate to, but I found that I needed to rely on myself for happiness instead of depending on others for it. Looking back, I don’t blame society for telling me who I should be, because it wanted me to become a good person, too. But I realized recently that I also robbed myself of who I should truly be. I’m slowly forgiving myself, but I’m taking back my life and doing things my way.

Even though I am a work-in-progress, I have entered self-acceptance. I am learning from my past mistakes and taking careful steps to improve my present. I accept my imperfections; those flaws are a part of my identity. With all of the love and support that I received from very close loved ones, I learned that I am loved, valued, and good enough for myself and the world around me. Their loyalty to me makes a huge difference in my outlook on life, and I truly appreciate them. If you have people like my loved ones, please keep them in your hearts.

I did leave my old self behind, but I still look at her with empathy. I understand her because she did what she felt was right, but she didn’t know there were other alternatives at the time. This whole lesson turned out to be a blessing in disguise. As I continue to rediscover myself, my views on life will continue to change, but overall, I’m grateful that everything that I went through helped me mature. I guess I needed to break down in order to pick up the necessary pieces to rebuild myself. 

Your Map, Your Journey

If you are encountering something similar to what I am going through, I hope that this article helps you. You deserve to take care of yourself first in order to be happy. If you find yourself facing this journey alone because you are not receiving support for your choices, know that this is not your fault. It’s tough that not everyone is going to agree with your decision, but this is very much your life. Sadly, not everyone we know will stay with us in the future. You are holding your map. Hold on and see what your future self has to offer. (The Comfort Book) 

Whatever journey you choose to pursue, and as long as it makes you happy (along with it benefiting the world), may peace be with you always.

About the Author

Ashley Lee is an alumna at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas where she obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Film with a minor in Journalism and Media Studies. She is an independent artist who loves traveling, audio production, volunteering at local nonprofits, writing, knitting, baking, photography, food, reading, and spending time with her family. Lee is also a co-host of a local Las Vegas podcast. You may follow her on Instagram @ambivertashleyproductions.