Finding Strength Through the Storm

Note: This article contains sensitive information regarding death that may cause discomfort to people who are grieving a loved one’s passing. Please proceed with care.

Life keeps changing all around us and we keep asking, “Why? Why does change keep happening? I am comfortable with where I am now since I had to adjust to my previous events. Why do I have to deal with change again? Was my earlier suffering not enough?”

Someday, we will come to understand the reason for these changes. In the meantime, we have to cope with what we have.

Peaceful Living

I lived a normal and happy childhood. My doting parents brought me up in a loving and safe environment. They were never too busy with work to care for me. When I grew up in Los Angeles, my father worked in wholesale meats, while my mother became a housewife and looked after me. After I turned four, my father retired from work to spend more time with his family. After closing the doors to his business, Dad relocated us to Las Vegas and I started school. 

Life for my family consisted of my education, my extracurricular activities, traveling (interstate and/or internationally), watching concerts (he liked Air Supply a lot), attending family events, and living a quiet life. Because of all the quality time I spent with my parents, I grew attached to them and enjoyed the affectionate atmosphere in my life. 

But after graduating from high school, life started to change. 

The Beginning of the End

Towards the end of my first semester in college, my father had to be hospitalized for health issues. Family and friends were notified of the situation and some even visited him. My mother and I spent lots of time with Dad as we wanted to be with him.  

There were times when he had slight improvements, but he also dealt with setbacks. It was typical to deal with ups and downs while battling health issues, but deep down, we wanted him to make a full recovery, be discharged from the hospital, and continue our family time. 

Weeks before my second semester began, my father’s health deteriorated. Towards the end of the third week, one of his doctors informed us that there was nothing they could do to save him. The only choice we had was to make him comfortable.

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t lose my father or accept the fact that his time here on Earth was ending. I couldn’t let him go. It’s too painful. I didn’t feel prepared to say goodbye, but sadly, I had to do it. Emotions ran high on his last day. Tears and prayers filled his room. I will never forget that day and the days that came ahead. 

The Storm Arrives

When news of his passing reached me, I felt numb. I wanted to feel numb, as losing him was a new experience. Everything came by so fast; I couldn’t even stop to assess the situation. I realized now that if I did, I’d be crying a waterfall of tears, nonstop. This was not the time for me to break down. 

I contemplated whether or not I should continue my studies, as I wanted to be distracted and withdrawn. I decided to continue college for the time being until I could not keep up emotionally. Setting foot on campus for the first time since his death felt like a regular day. I did not have a heavy heart; I was still in a daze. Although my professors were aware of the situation and excused me from participating in discussions, I got involved anyway. I really appreciated their understanding and patience. They helped me during that time. 

When we gathered to honor my father, it was a weird feeling seeing him there. The rough reality that this was the beginning of a new life, a new era for me, was slowly hitting me. I wasn’t a sobbing wreck, but I felt immense sorrow that day. I prevented myself from getting emotionally invested in this situation. If I became sensitive to everything taking place around me, my mind would be disrupted. 

Whirlwind 

Since he was laid to rest, I dealt with some stages of grief. Part of me felt denial that this loss is a nightmare that I could wake up from. The back of my mind kept telling me that he would come back, though that will never be the case. The next stage of grief was anger, where I questioned why he had left my family and me. “How could you? Why did you leave us in this mess? Were you tired of us? Do you know that what you did is selfish?” I had so many questions for him that that feeling of deep bitterness stayed with me for years. Due to my lingering anger, Mom and I did not visit his grave. Slowly, I came to take his death very hard and even denied missing him for the time being. 

Getting By

When he passed, I did not think, “What am I going to do without him?” I never really panicked. His death didn’t deter me from continuing to live my life; it just seemed like a natural thing to do to slowly move forward. I found Dad’s death to be a reality check to me, because when he was alive, he was the head of the family and our house, and I could rely on him for almost anything. He was our protector. I felt safe when he was there, so I did not have to worry; I could continue being a kid and slowly grow up.

But now that he’s physically gone, the adult inside me opened. His death pushed me to discover more of my potential and expand on it. When Dad was alive, he encouraged me to seek my independence. So I started to understand the world around me. I quit being naive. I became very cautious for both Mom and me. I had to grow up faster now. It’s time to get tough and be brave.

I realize that remaining numb helped me persevere and do what I needed to do, like finish college, be there for Mom, and slowly live my life again. I do acknowledge that feeling numb is not exactly the appropriate way to handle tragedies like this, because that numbness is temporary. But I feel that I handled numbness in a way that did not become detrimental to me. I do cry once in a while about the loss, but I still get up and keep going. I do not think I had any separation anxiety when he left. I realize that another reason I chose to be numb is because I also wanted to protect myself from developing that kind of anxiety. 

I believe I saved myself from the immense tears and pain of his death by telling myself what to expect ahead of time so that his passing would not come as a big surprise (I learned this from experiencing too many losses in my life). I never doubted myself about staying resilient. I felt it was necessary not to hide in the dark for the rest of my life. I try not to feel overwhelmed with all of the things I need to complete; I took life one day at a time and that helped me.

Accepting the New Reality 

As the years passed and I made peace with Dad’s death, I decided to make the trip to his gravesite. I don’t feel so angry about the loss anymore, as I believed that time slowly healed me (and it still does). There’s no doubt that I definitely miss our travels, seeing Air Supply in concert, running errands with him, and most importantly, his presence. 

I am grateful to my close loved ones (especially Mom) for helping me cope with this tragic loss. I thank them for understanding me when I needed some space to grieve his passing. I think that Dad’s death brought us closer, and as a result, we became stronger than ever.

I will always be blessed to have my father for coming into my life and for helping Mom raise me to become the person I am now. I will continue to carry his legacy. Best father ever. Gone but never forgotten. 

Turning Grief Into Resilience

People grieve differently and we need to understand that. Sometimes they grieve for shorter or longer periods than others, but that’s the way they feel. In a world where things remain precarious, we need to continue to respect each other’s feelings and make little to no judgment on how people react to these circumstances. 

If you are currently grieving a loss and you feel overwhelmed with the situation, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s important to take a break and process the emotions you’re feeling. You do not need to do everything at once; you have the right to take your time in order to regain your strength and determination. Please don’t rush the process because you have to. 

You are not alone. If you need any assistance in handling grief, please seek help through available resources around you, such as counseling, joining a grief support group, etc.

It’s easy to be discouraged and not want to do anything anymore, but if you have the urge to resume your activities from before the tragedy happened but are afraid to do so, don’t waste time. It may be hard at first, but choosing to carry on in life is the first step to resiliency.

About the Author

Ashley Lee is an alumna at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas where she obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Film with a minor in Journalism and Media Studies. She is an independent content creator who loves traveling, audio production, volunteering at local nonprofits, writing, knitting, baking, photography, food, and spending time with her family. Lee is also a co-host of a local Las Vegas podcast. You may follow her on Instagram @ambivertashleyproductions.